thanks, 16 year old me

thanks, 16 year old me

I’m still pissed that Neopets won’t let me login to my 7 yr old account

did you do that thing where you faked your birthday

my birthday on this account is a day before my actual birthday i if i dont log on for a while i forget so to make a long story short there’s some guy who has to dig up my password every two years when i email him about how “my best pet has the number 888 behind it. its dumb, i know. give me my password back”

i guess “hey KQ ASSHOLES its motherfucking LUPE TIME” didn’t make it past the boys in marketing

i guess “hey KQ ASSHOLES its motherfucking LUPE TIME” didn’t make it past the boys in marketing

"O fair Maraquan maiden, reveal to me your greatest desire that I might fulfill it with these humble hands."
"A DURR HURR DURR DURR HURRRRRRRRRR"

"O fair Maraquan maiden, reveal to me your greatest desire that I might fulfill it with these humble hands."

"A DURR HURR DURR DURR HURRRRRRRRRR"

hi, i’m neoncircus

insincere smile

and when i’m not writing paragraph long comedy pieces about neopets, i’m collecting jelly items on neopets

insincere smile

have you ever looked at your item gallery and said to yourself, “this is a good gallery, but i waste precious moments of a life otherwise full of youthful promise filling it with digital images that have zero intrinsic value”

break for laughter

if you’re anything like me, you have. that’s why i’m here to tell you about HandyVac’s new “The Gun”

show product. break for audience reaction

isn’t she a beaut? what if i told you this little product can solve all your neopets gallery anxiety problems with one simple use? would you believe me?

break for audience reaction

what if i showed you?

break for applause

okay! well what you do is you aim this little guy at your temple, pull the firing mechanism AND-

break for audience reaction

break for applause

bryan sits in his tiny cubicle, surrounded by the neopets plushies that have been a contract-specific addendum to his paycheck since 2005. they watch him with hard, unfeeling eyes, always judging his work. he cannot please them. he cannot reason with them. their will is the weight of the world, and bryan cannot bear it much longer.

bryan surfs the boards. on it, a user questions whether he is on vacation. behind him he hears a soft hiss.

"now"

"ban him now"

"ban him bryan"

"bryan"

this is it. with this he can win their trust. he can win his freedom. bryan crashes upon the user like an angry sea. how dare they deign to ask if he is on vacation? for he is bryan. he is the will of neopets.

the user banned, he listens again.

"yes bryan"

"excellent bryan"

"you have done well bryan"

"fuck me bryan"

bryan is pleased. he has fulfilled his duty, and now he will be rewarded. he pulls a yellow mynci doll from the shelf. checking to see if his coworkers are nearby, bryan slowly unzips his pants.

joey stares into the tough guy mystery capsule banner. the tough guy mystery capsule banner stares into joey. joey imagines the gentle brush of its perfectly shaped handlebar mustache against his neck, the dry, clammy texture of its leather hat nicking his brow. joey’s mind strays to an idyllic park where tough guy mystery capsule holds him in its powerful arms, alone, forever.

"i AM a tough guy," whispers joey

he reaches for his mother’s credit card

"i AM"

neopets WHOAH

neopets WHOAH

fuck you neopian bank

i’m neobroke nigga i’m neobroke

 likes: blogging, bon iver, gender equality
dislikes: self

 likes: blogging, bon iver, gender equality

dislikes: self