thanks, 16 year old me
i don’t really care about too much on my account except for the fearie xweetok (sp?) but like do not FUCK with my jelly gallery that shit is motherfucking QUALITY how DARE YOU
just wait until i buy all the jelly items and start up a gummy wing holy fuck can you even imagine the possibilities because i can
in the basement of tnt headquarters is a staircase and upon every stair is the name of a banned account and it descends into the deepest and most terrible bowels of the earth until at the very bottom sits adam eating chik-fil-a
i wrote a note to myself in my jelly gallery with all the jelly items i don’t have in it and i’m actually really close to reaching the point where it goes “anything more expensive than that last one”
all i had to do was pawn the thousands of items i’ve been hoarding for over six years
i will be the jelly king. i will sit on a throne of motherfucking jelly. suck it seventeen year old me YOU GOT NOTHING YOU’RE FUCKING NOTHING
other things i have gotten silenced for:
-saying the phrase “blood pressure”
-implying i was going to kidnap alex’s cats
the crown jewel of my silencings was on Easter
I said “TNT must be on Easter vacation” and I got silenced for implying that they weren’t constantly monitoring the boards
“ban her, bryan”
that’s dumb you should have picked Brightvale. we’re not going to lose (definitely not) (yes we are)
It’s always Krawk Island or Kreludor or the Citadel, right? Like every year the team fielding the most Hot Topic secret shoppers wins and it’s always this realization that makes me hate my younger self. WHY DID YOU BELIEVE IN JOVIAL ANTICS YOU FUCK YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A MARIO SHIRT AND SMOKED CLOVES
WHICH TEAM ARE YOU ROOTING FOR
The year they introduced this stupid, awful game I was all in for Roo Island like a BOSS and then we lost and got like 7th or something and I basically flipped my table over and watched as Roo Island lost over and over and over again every year after so this year I’m rooting for them in spirit but I picked Krawk Island because at some point losing sucks a whole fucking lot.
envision the yooyuball in your mind. become the yooyuball. block out the dachshund penises. do not think about dachshund penises. dachshund penises will only make you weak. yooyuball is a game for the strong.
“O fair Maraquan maiden, reveal to me your greatest desire that I might fulfill it with these humble hands.”
“A DURR HURR DURR DURR HURRRRRRRRRR”
“A team of silent ninjas broke in and stole all those worms you spent over a year trying to collect for your bullshit lantern! They stole them right out from the part of my ass where I keep them. They just dug in their with their dirty ninja hands and took all the worms and I have to admit I liked it. I liked it a lot. In fact, I’m going to stick my hand into my ass right after you leave. It might be covered in lamp oil and finely ground glass shards but that’s really just a bonus at this point. Have fun refreshing Moltara a hundred million times. If you need me I’ll be right here, with my hand inside of my bloody, dirty ass.”
- Lampwyck, Lampwyck’s Lights Fantastic
hi, i’m neoncircus
and when i’m not writing paragraph long comedy pieces about neopets, i’m collecting jelly items on neopets
have you ever looked at your item gallery and said to yourself, “this is a good gallery, but i waste precious moments of a life otherwise full of youthful promise filling it with digital images that have zero intrinsic value”
break for laughter
if you’re anything like me, you have. that’s why i’m here to tell you about HandyVac’s new “The Gun”
show product. break for audience reaction
isn’t she a beaut? what if i told you this little product can solve all your neopets gallery anxiety problems with one simple use? would you believe me?
break for audience reaction
what if i showed you?
break for applause
okay! well what you do is you aim this little guy at your temple, pull the firing mechanism AND-
break for audience reaction
break for applause
bryan sits in his tiny cubicle, surrounded by the neopets plushies that have been a contract-specific addendum to his paycheck since 2005. they watch him with hard, unfeeling eyes, always judging his work. he cannot please them. he cannot reason with them. their will is the weight of the world, and bryan cannot bear it much longer.
bryan surfs the boards. on it, a user questions whether he is on vacation. behind him he hears a soft hiss.
“ban him now”
“ban him bryan”
this is it. with this he can win their trust. he can win his freedom. bryan crashes upon the user like an angry sea. how dare they deign to ask if he is on vacation? for he is bryan. he is the will of neopets.
the user banned, he listens again.
“you have done well bryan”
“fuck me bryan”
bryan is pleased. he has fulfilled his duty, and now he will be rewarded. he pulls a yellow mynci doll from the shelf. checking to see if his coworkers are nearby, bryan slowly unzips his pants.