okay so i wrote this back in 2008 but its still funny so here you go

So the San Jose Mercury News put out a double ad before the election, two pages, one argument on prop 8 on each side. One was the pro-8, one was the anti-8. Being the freedom fighting commie fuck that I am, I ignored the anti-8 side and read up on the pro. It listed about fifty or sixty churches with ridiculously unfortunate names, so I made fun of them. Here’s what I got.

Return to God Prayer Movement America - Movement for religious individuals that lost their buddies during field trips. If they act really sorry maybe God won’t tell their mom that they ran off at WaterWorld.

Bethany Church of God in Christ - Exactly how deep is God in Christ? Is he thrusting? Sounds pretty gay to me.

Campbell Seventh Day Adventist - Preaches opening the 7th door on Christmas countdown calendars and eating whatever is inside. Calendars containing small toys are not recommended.

Celebration Community Church - Church founded by Kool & The Gang. Available for weddings, graduations, republican presidential acceptance speeches.

Chinese for Christ Church - Believes Jesus rose from the dead in February on a dragon made of chow mein. Prayer may contain traces of lead; atone with caution.

Church of the Hill - North American leader in Jesus and Jesus accessories.

Compassion Bridges - Bridge does, in fact, lead to compassion, but if Liu Kang hits you with an uppercut on the way over you fall to the bottom and it counts as a fatality.

Door of Faith Ministries - You unlock this door with the key to imagination. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind.

Fountain Water Church - A fairly straightforward Methodist affair that occasionally gets plugged up by a piece of gum.

Foxworthy Baptist Church - If your baby was wearing a NASCAR shirt when they baptized them, you might be a redneck.

Good News Community Church - Also known as the Church of Hubert Farnsworth. Opens each sermon with an episode of Futurama, but gets boring after a couple seasons. Pastors can do a dead on Zoidberg impression.

Hope Lighthouse a Foursquare Church - No towers, no babies, no black magics, no white magics, no unicorns, no get out of my kitchens, no headhunters, no cannonballs, no dropkicks, no rhinos, no flyers, no rollers, no blackouts.

Juan 3:16 - “I do drywall.”

Korean United Methodist Church - And on the 7th day, God built a shitload of carriers and attacked from the left corner of the map, and lo, was teal turtling like a bitch while brown was afk for mac & cheese.

New Hope International Church - A rebel church formerly based on Dantooine, they have since relocated to Yavin VI. Await “the Empire striking back,” at which point all true believers will be given cameos in the prequels.

Northern California Deaf Church - Even if God told them they were saved, they’d never know it.

Reformed Heritage Church - Reforms include: God is a box turtle, Gumby did 9/11, black people are made of licorice.

Showers of Blessing Evangelistic Ministry - Personal church of Robert Kelly.

Torre Fuerte - Favorite of hungry college kids and cheap taco aficionados. Now serves flan after 11!

Westcoast Apostolic Prophetic Equipping Center - World frontrunner of tinfoil hat manufacturing. Also sells alibis to people who just killed their children because the dog told them to.