wanna know a fucking star wars thing? i’m drunk so i’ll tell you a star wars thing. there’s this scene in the prequels where emperor palpatine (then disguised as a member of the senate, the dick) and anakin skywalker are watching a circus or a play or an opera or some shit, i don’t fucking remember. and palpatine is talking about the powers the force can wield, and how there was once a great and powerful sith who came just this close - THIS CLOSE - to creating life using the force. but he never did. he was betrayed by his pupil and failed.

fun fact: that guy was darth plagueis, and he was sidious’ master. sidious, as all sith do because that’s how they test and establish power, challenged and overthrew plagueis before he could complete his studies. but sidious was ever the student, and studied it in secret.

so palpatine (sidious) is shooting the shit with annie, and lets him know that somebody DID. SOMEone created life using only the force. some sith lord, dark and twisted and evil. who could it be? who is such a person?

it was sidious.

now jump back to episode I. we meet anakin in a fucking sand-shack on tatooine being a slavechild like a boss, and as it turns out he doesn’t have a dad. and why would he? it’s tatooine. his mom is an indentured servant to a wasp that looks like he runs a C rated diner on the border of arizona. she probably got knocked up by some roguish bounty hunter or junk trader or WAIT

she tells qi-gon or qui-gon or chai-gone or whatever the shit his name is that annakin was an immaculate conception. now, the royal nabooian give-a-shits don’t really care, but she says it and a couple people in the community back it up.

so where did he come from? well, part of that life creating shit plagueis was so into was in his pursuit of a ‘chosen one,’ a force sensitive so powerful it would rebalance the light and dark sides of the force throughout the galaxy and possibly the universe. but he couldn’t control the power fully, and the experiment ended in failure… or so he thought. out on some sandy pool ball in the middle of nowhere, shmi (yes, that’s her name) skywalker came down with a case of the pregnants. and that little shit was annakin.

now lets FAST FORWARD to the climactic battle between luke and darth vader over endor. HOLY FUCK EXPLOSIONS. THE SUPER STAR DESTROYER IS NOW OFFLINE. ITS A TRAP. darth vader slid to the dark side and basically turned the prophecy of the chosen one into a bad joke, as the jedi order is pretty much wiped out - save for vader’s own son and daughter. but when palpatine shoots force lighting at luke and vader intervenes, killing his master and himself in the process, he actually FULFILLS the ancient jedi prophecy by bringing complete and total balance back to the force. ITS A MIRACLECHLORIAN.

so what does this have to do with all that bullshit at the beginning? well, when sidious is sitting there in that stupid carnival space show, he’s looking into the eyes of his dead master’s life’s work. and he knows it. you can see how carefully he’s playing the game, worming his way in - because like all good sith lords, he has surpassed his master and must now surpass him even further. and like all good sith lords, he has to fall by the hand of his apprentice. an apprentice created by the very master he murdered.

KA. FUCKING. BOOM.

YES

YES

sorry, bob

sorry, bob

pocket vader

pocket vader

Chetrooper bust now in stock at myplasticheart.

Chetrooper bust now in stock at myplasticheart.

my god

my god

Canon MP470 series
Another pleasant discovery from my former closet was my Star Wars Missions case, complete with the plastic briefcase that had Darth Vader’s face on it. A (very) old d12 based tabletop game that you could get out of Scholastic book order pamphlets, you picked from a selection of character cards (my set had a Rebel mission, so I got Rebellion-aligned cards) and read along with the mission book, solo-ing through encounters and using force powers and weapons and what have you. It was a one player game, but came with a mission log that I apparently filled out. Here’s an excerpt (all spelling/grammar is on purpose, remember that I was in elementary school):
“…My favorite fight… the twin Rodians! First, I blew up the main support of a cat walk and they fell into a tub of bacta. But the bacta healed the Rodians and I shot some crates and they fell down and crushed the Rodians.”

Another pleasant discovery from my former closet was my Star Wars Missions case, complete with the plastic briefcase that had Darth Vader’s face on it. A (very) old d12 based tabletop game that you could get out of Scholastic book order pamphlets, you picked from a selection of character cards (my set had a Rebel mission, so I got Rebellion-aligned cards) and read along with the mission book, solo-ing through encounters and using force powers and weapons and what have you. It was a one player game, but came with a mission log that I apparently filled out. Here’s an excerpt (all spelling/grammar is on purpose, remember that I was in elementary school):

…My favorite fight… the twin Rodians! First, I blew up the main support of a cat walk and they fell into a tub of bacta. But the bacta healed the Rodians and I shot some crates and they fell down and crushed the Rodians.